Scotland’s First Minister in secret tryst with the EU’s Barnier!

13 June 2019

Another exclusive scoop by the ‘I Wish That Was The News’ Newsdesk at Five Minutes Spare!

Scottish First Minister, Nicola Sturgeon, held talks on Monday with European leaders, as part of her planned visit to Brussels. Ms Sturgeon met the EU President, Jean-Claude, Juncker and the chief Brexit negotiator, Michel Barnier, before making a speech on European policy. On the face of it, her visit was simply intended to reaffirm Scotland’s backing for continued EU membership and shared European values. However, the Five Minutes Spare’s ‘I Wish That Was The News’ team have managed to get hold of part of the transcript of a secret meeting that took place, between Nicola Sturgeon and Michel Barnier, after the main event. It has been suggested by some that the interview was reminiscent of a particularly famed scene from the film Basic Instinct, starring Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone.

Sturgeon: So, Michel, the special new rule that will allow Scotland to stay in the EU after the rest of the UK leave is almost ready for publication?

Barnier: Dinna greet, ma wee ginger hen! How’s my Scottish, not bad eh?

Sturgeon: I must admit Michel, I’m a bit worried about the ‘backstop’ arrangements at the border with England for our free trade agreement. After all, we do more than 60% of our total trade with the rest of the UK, roughly 4 times more than we do with the EU.

Barnier: No problem! There’s some very simple solutions! Firstly, we could simply let the UK carry on using the ‘SIS’ for the already agreed maintenance fee. Well, we might add on a few Euro’s for the Brexit fiasco.

Sturgeon: What’s the SIS?

Barnier: The SIS is the Schengen Information System, simply a massive database. Basically, it’s an info sharing system for security and border management. While the UK is not part of the Schengen Agreement, which allows free movement of goods and people at EU and EU/non-EU borders, the UK has already paid to set it up and contributes to its maintenance. And there are already 4 non-EU countries that use the SIS and operate free movement across borders.

Photo credit: Creative Commons (CC BY-SA 2.0)

Sturgeon: Wow! Michel, you know so much! You’re so clever!

Barnier: The second option is that England and Scotland are perfectly entitled to allow free movement of people across the border under existing international law, e.g. as done at Nepal/India and Russia/Belarus borders. Then just introduce an ECTS for goods?

Sturgeon: What’s an ECTS?

Barnier: ECTS is an Electronic Cargo Tracking System already being used at some borders across the world. It uses modern technology such as satellite GPS, cellular communications, radio frequency identification, and web-based software to ensure the security of cargo and avoid interference in transit. It greatly reduces time and costs for cross border trade. The great thing is that it can also be done remote of the border. So, you see Nicola – the technology already exists!

Sturgeon: Any more?

Barnier: The third option is simply to declare a special arrangement between the two bordering countries and then you can just make up your own cross border trade rules, as we did with those bloody awkward buggers, the Ruskies!

Sturgeon: What do you mean?

Barnier. Well the EU/non-EU border between Finland and Russia is over 1300 km, which is totally unmanned and has no controls whatsoever. We didn’t want to negotiate with the Russians so I just rang up Vlad and we agreed to have a special arrangement with them over the phone. So, you see Nicola, all very easy!

Sturgeon: So why did you insist on the current Irish backstop arrangement during the Brexit negotiations?

Barnier: Oh that was just some fantastical crazy idea I dreamed up one day while I was peeling onions. I thought not even the stupid ‘roz bif’ will go for this one! Ohhh, how do you say, ‘‘I cried til’ I laughed’’ when I’d finished writing it. And of course, because the British had such a shit negotiating team, even I wanted to kick the silly bastards in the balls! Metaphorically speaking of course!

Sturgeon: So how can I make sure I get a good free trade agreement with the English Government?

Barnier: So, you just need to think about it for a bit, Nicola!

Surgeon: Oh yes I see – Theresa May never ever wanted a deal! And that’s why she only let those top civil servants who thought they have a divine right to a second well-paid job with another elitist organisation, after retiring on a gold-plated pension, head up the negotiations.

Barnier: You’re getting there, Nicola!

Surgeon: So, all I need do is to find someone who hates the English even more than I do, to head up our negotiations. I’ve got it………………………..Alex Salmond! Well, that’s if he hasn’t been ‘banged up’ by then?

Barnier: Oohhh, Nicola! I have to say it, “That’s such a cunning stunt!”